The Worst Me
- This Southern Girl
- Jan 3, 2017
- 2 min read
It's that time of year to reflect on the year past and prepare for the year forward. I'm pretty happy to leave 2016 in the dust, but age has taught me the only way to really move forward is to acknowledge what has passed. So, here I freakin' go!
I know I am not perfect, nor do I care to be. This year has brought significant frustrations, heartbreak, betrayal and anger. And in the course of way too many emotions, I believe my words hurt someone I care about. This has plagued me for months. I've wrecked my brain for ways to try and make it right, set the record straight. In the process I've driven myself crazy.
Over dinner with a couple girl friends I expressed my regret in how I'd handled the situation and to my surprise wasn't berated but reassured. "I'm sure he knows you didn't mean it" (I'm not) and "you have got to forgive yourself." (OK, fair point.) I spent the next couple days thinking about what they said about forgiving myself. I don't do this well. In fact, I don't do it at all. I've spent years carrying around worry about things I've said or done that I can't change. In college, a dear old friend told me he thought I was "addicted to pain." I brushed it off at the time, but the older I get the more I realize, the man's got a point!
I've spent the last few weeks really trying to understand why I carry the guilt of soured relationships with me. I've determined the act of forgiving yourself might be the hardest kind of forgiveness and it might be the least rewarding (at least initially). So, to the people I've hurt, you've seen my darkest side. I am truly sorry. I would love nothing more than to know the lasting memory of me isn't that of a colossal [female dog] but I don't think I will ever have that confirmation. So, over the coming year I'm going to forgive myself for my past and look forward to the future.
Bring it on 2017!
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